C is for Cleanliness

My A is cleanest when B:

Kitchen

The kids are yahoo-ing about in their bedroom instead of going to sleep and I am having to control my incredibly on-point Carol Burnett’s Ms Hannigan impersonation.

Bathroom

I am 5 months pregnant and convinced that nothing less than a 6 hour scrub and bleach of every surface is absolutely necessary.

Eating

My puku starts falling over my waistband.

Bedroom

I have an assignment due.

Cupboards and Drawers

I have binged Marie Kondo and pledging total allegiance to the miniature Japanese Goddess.

Mind

Watching my children play.

Garden and Lawns

I am ferociously missing my Grandpa.

Kids’ Room

I have forgotten how much effort it took last time to clean it; and how little time it took for them to destroy it.

Heart

I have nailed a huge run. My legs are jelly, my skin is slimy with sweat and my endorphins are pumping.

House

A daycare / school playdate is coming around and I am desperately trying to keep up the façade of being top of things.

Jokes

Results are inconclusive. Data sample of clean jokes is too little to collect significant information.

Children

They’re having a splashing competition in the bath and the walls and ceiling are dripping.

Car

It goes for a service. I imagine the young person vacuuming a full loaf of bread worth of crumbs is inspired to maintain rigorous standards with their contraceptive of choice.

Language

I am at daycare because of that one time where I had to be pulled in to the Head Teacher’s office for letting too many really curly swear words slip out.

Soul

I have written the shit out of a piece of fiction.

Husband

Never. Looks are deceiving. That man is super dirty and I love him.